Emotional Sovereignty in Relationships
“How are you?”
A simple yet complex question, depending on who’s asking.
Recently, an old friend asked how I was doing. And as I felt joy rise up, I also noticed the urge to temper it, to meet them closer to where they were in their own struggles.
Oops. I feel so comfortable walking with others in the raw depths of this human experience — the grief, sorrow, challenge, transformation — that there’s almost more vulnerability in sharing joy.
Disclaimer: This doesn’t mean we should ever lack compassion toward the pain of those we love! But sometimes, the fullness of our truth can unintentionally be held back.
For me, this fear is mostly rooted in my joy not being held in a good way. This reflection brought me back to a specific memory…
About five years ago, at a significant turning point in my own growth, I watched a relationship with a dear, long-term friend shift. We had shared so much; she was family to me and had seen me through some of the darkest moments of my life. Yet, as I began to heal and prioritize self love, I felt the distance between us grow. It was excruciating.
I kept trying to bridge that space, convincing myself the psychic tension was just “in my head.” But one day, she offhandedly said, “When you first started therapy and teaching yoga, I thought you were so annoying…but now that I’m in therapy, I get it.”
Years of inner growth, transformation, and shifting out of survival mode that she perceived as “annoying.”
Hearing that hurt. It affirmed what I had been sensing: this person I loved was not holding the best intentions for me, even if it was subconscious. She was able to meet me in my suffering, but she couldn’t meet me in my growth.
Her response wasn’t malicious. It was simply a mirror of her own journey and where she was. But it taught me a valuable lesson in emotional sovereignty.
Emotional sovereignty is the ability to recognize, own, and take responsibility for one’s emotions without projecting them onto others. It’s about understanding that while our emotions may be influenced by external factors, we alone are accountable for processing and responding to them.
If joy, growth, or success in another triggers you, it’s a sign pointing towards something unresolved within. It doesn’t mean that you can’t bring it into the relationship! In fact, true connection can be an opportunity for some of the deepest relational healing — when you are able to bring the material at hand into the relationship in a safe, honored way and work through it together. But first, we need to hold ourselves accountable to our feelings.
Cue shadow work.
These moments are gold—showing us what we desire in life and expanding our perception of what's possible. They also highlight parts within us that need compassion and healing. The paradox of shadow work is that, contrary to its name, the deeper we explore our shadows, the more light we illuminate.
The more we can take responsibility in cultivating emotional sovereignty, the more beautiful the world becomes. When we are able to genuinely support the people we love in being the brightest, most expressive, fullest, most joyful versions of themselves… then we can also find that within ourselves.
Now, I’m grateful to have relationships that hold me in my highest, just as I do them. They reflect my growth, even as they hold themselves accountable.
We’re all mirrors. Choose your mirrors wisely.
I'll leave you with a few relationship-based shadow work questions to ask yourself:
What specific qualities in others feel most challenging to witness or embrace? How might these qualities reflect something you are learning to accept in yourself?
How comfortable are you in expressing your needs or boundaries within relationships? Are there particular situations or relationships where this feels more difficult? What lies beneath that hesitation?
How do you offer love and affection to others? How do you like to receive love in return? Are there ways you hold back in fully receiving or giving love, and what fears or beliefs are connected to that?
Reflect on the qualities you admire most in your closest relationships. How might embodying these traits help you grow?
Ready to cultivate greater emotional sovereignty? Let's explore working together.